Personal Thoughts / Single Mothers By Choice

The “Who’s the Dad?” Question

A couple of nights ago I celebrated my 34th birthday with my family and close friends.  Two of my close friends at the party were males.  I took lots of pictures and posted them on my Facebook page.  This morning, a distant relative of mine (my dad’s cousin, whom I only communicate with via social media), sent me the following message:

“Hello, and again happy belated birthday…just wondering, forgive my curiosity.  Who is ur husband in the photos?  The guy wearing the blue or black shirt?”

I know people are naturally curious, but it never ceases to amaze me when they have the nerve to ask.  I know obviously there has to be a father and they assume there is a father, but based on looking at my social media posts, it is usually just pictures of me and my kid.  Then I post a few photos of a dinner gathering with a couple guys in it, and it’s like – “One of those guys must be the father!”  I just never know how to answer, especially for those whom I know are more traditional-minded.  Many of the people I tell are very accepting and supportive of my decision, but sometimes there are people who just cannot believe why in the world a woman would ever choose to raise a child solo.  (Ummm…because I can???)

I am very proud of my decision.  I literally cannot see myself doing it any other way.  This is exactly what I want, and my child is happy, healthy, and very much loved.

Choice moms/dads, single mothers/fathers by choice – I would love to hear your thoughts on how you answer when you get the “Who’s the dad?” question, whether it be strangers or relatives.  What are your thoughts on this?  What kinds of reactions are you getting?  How do you respond when the reaction is negative?

Thanks so much for your input!  This has been on my mind all morning and I needed to get it out of my system.  ❤ ❤ ❤


8 thoughts on “The “Who’s the Dad?” Question

  1. We are a little different. I was married years before I had E and he passed away. When I turned 40 I decided to become a mama solo and had my boy using a donor. I don’t usually tell people all the details so I just say “my husband died, it’s just the two of us.” Neither of those things is a lie and it really keeps the other person wondering. Often they assume that I used my husbands sperm. Some people don’t know the timeline of his death so they assume that he died after I got pregnant. This way I don’t have to delve into my private life which is really no ones business though people are naturally curious. If I know the person well and they know Chad passed 7 years ago I tell them I used a donor and E does not have a father but he is surrounded by lots of awesome men in his life. I often correct people and say “he doesn’t have a dad, he has a donor.” :).

    • Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. When I was pregnant, I only told those closest to me. All hell broke loose once my baby was born. Coming from a strict Asian family (very traditional, emphasis on the “very”), I knew this would be a struggle for me. My mother and father were surprisingly the most supportive of my decision. My extended family on both sides, however, believe that you have to be married first, then have children – the really old-school, traditional stuff. And, they think they are allowed to be in everyone’s business. I am not close to my extended family, but this is the way they are. I do not want my answer to sound like an “excuse” for not finding the right guy, etc. I want to be a single mother. I am better solo. It is so hard to get this point across to some people haha! And trying to explain that I used donor sperm to someone who has no idea these sort of medical advancements exist is even more frustrating. For acquaintances, I’ve been saying that my son’s dad is “not in the picture” and “it’s just me raising him.” Most people do not comment further (unless they are my nosy relatives LOL). Like your E, my son is surrounded by many great men (and women). He has a wonderful, outstanding grandfather and my guy friends are also there for him. I guess I am having a hard time figuring out the best answer for my situation. I hate it when I sound like it is an excuse, or I am trying to justify something that is missing, because I do not feel that way. Thank you so00 much again for your insight! ❤

      • I totally agree I hate making it sound like an excuse. And I think there are so many benefits to doing this solo. For one we live in a quiet household with no fighting, no arguing, no compromising. It makes life a lot easier. 😉

      • I agree with you wholeheartedly. My thoughts exactly! After being in relationships full of fighting, arguing, and unhappiness, that is when I realized I am better off doing this solo. And this is the best and most correct decision I have ever made – my life is happier, drama-free, and definitely easier! 😉

      • I had originally planned to do this with a good friend and before we started he started giving me all sorts of ultimatums. I was like “nope!” Not worth the extra money and support that I would have gotten from co-parenting!

      • I get anxious sometimes thinking of what could have happened had I stayed in that awful relationship and had a child with that person. It took me a long time and pretty much divine intervention for me to be able to get out of that unhealthy relationship and become the person I am today. Those potential issues would not have been worth it whatsoever. I’m so happy you were immediately like “Nope!” It truly is the best decision I have ever made. It is easier this way! 🙂

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